Job Description

As the mother of a toddler, I am many things. I cannot be defined by one or two words. Although I have a real name, it has been replaced by Mom, Mama, and Mommy, among others, yet I answer to many other monikers. I'm like a superhero with many identities:

I am the Chaser of the BogeyMan. I make sure my child can go to sleep in peace, knowing that the bad guys from the cartoon she was just watching are nowhere in sight.

I am the Doctor. I apply bandages and kisses to boo-boos and owies.

I am the Exterminator. As scary as it is for me, I kill baby spiders so tiny they can only be seen with a microscope or the eyes of a frightened 3-year-old.

I am the Clown. If my kid is scared or in pain, I will fall down, make funny faces, and talk in silly voices just to make her laugh.

I am the Diaper Changer. I've seen more poop and pee than a worker at the sewage treatment plant.

I am the Punisher. I seem larger than life and scary when my child has done something wrong.

I am the Chauffeur. I make sure my daughter gets to school, the doctor's office, the grocery store, her cousins' house, and anywhere else she may need to go. This identity gives many thanks to Grandma and Aunt Jenny, by the way!

I am the Keeper of the Remote Control. No one should fight me on this one. I don't care who you are, you'll lose. When it comes down to it, when there's something I want to watch, we will watch it.

I am the Toy Finder. I am the one who instructs my child to look in the bathtub or the cat's food dish when she's somehow misplaced her favorite baby horse for the 32nd consecutive time in one day; my daughter is continually amazed every time she finds the Toy Finder was right. And then she says, "I told you!"

I am Santa Clause. Shhh... Don't tell.

I am the Playmate. It's my duty to lose at every game, from checkers to ticklefests to video games.

I am the Teacher. I will show you all the important things in life. No, not the three R's. I teach truly important things, like how to play poker, the titles of every movie Johnny Depp has ever been in, and the importance of mascara.

I am your Maid. I constantly clean up your messes, even after telling you repeatedly that I am not your maid and that I will no longer clean up your messes.

I am the World's Biggest Hypocrite. Don't cuss, don't drink, don't smoke, don't do drugs, don't flunk out of college, don't eat junk, and don't eat too much fast food. Do as I say, not as I've done.

I am your Chef. I can open a can of Chef Boyardee like nobody's business and serve you your feast of raviolis.

I am the Great Contradictor. I tell you to grow up and punish you for acting like a little kid, but then become greatly upset at the thought of you growing up and no longer needing me.

But most of all...

I am your Mother. And don't you forget it.